The Mazoku of the Month
by Zelkiiro
Summary: More insanity from the author that brought you The Sound of Music and Gone with the Wind...or maybe not...R&R and don't gimme no crap!!! Chapter 4 is up! Oh, L-sama...
1. The Mazoku of the Month! Oh L-sama....

The Day Xelloss Would NOT Shut Up  
  
Xelloss: Hello, I'm Xelloss, and I am the Mazoku of the Month!!!  
  
Zelas: *sighs*  
  
Zorom: I'd say the lad deserves the prize…maybe…  
  
Tiiba: I'm the great Tiiba and he gets the award?!  
  
Xelloss: I'm going to show all of my friends!!!  
  
Phibrizzo: I should've gotten that award…I'M THE HELLMASTER!!!  
  
Zelas: You gotta be kidding I'M Hellmaster!!!  
  
Zorom: To be exact, I am the Hellmaster…  
  
Zelas and Phibrizzo: SHUT UP!  
  
Meanwhile…Xelloss goes to meet Zel and the others. Zel was so conveniently reading a book on how to reverse curses. Lina was eating (as usual) along with Gourry. Amelia was practicing justice speeches. Sylphiel was preparing the food for all of them to eat, still heartbroken about the incident in Sairaag. Filia was practicing new ways to slam Xelloss across the head with good ol' Mace-sama.  
  
Xelloss: Hey, guys! Guess what?  
  
Filia on impact ran to him and slammed him with her mace. Gourry's brain stopped again, trying to figure out what Filia has against Xelloss.  
  
Xelloss: I'm the Mazshoku of the Monsshhhh…  
  
With that, he faints from the beating Filia gave him.  
  
Zelgadis: Good job, Filia!  
  
Amelia: Should I lift my leg like this…? Or like this…?  
  
Sylphiel: *softly* The chicken's done…  
  
Lina and Gourry: MORE FOOD!!  
  
Gourry: *with a mouthful of food* Hey Lina!  
  
Lina: Yeah, Gourry?  
  
Gourry: Why are your breathth (breasts) tho thmall?  
  
Lina gives Gourry the "Shut up or I will kill you" look.  
  
Xelloss: Anyways, I am the Mazoku of the Month!!! I get to boss everyone around for ONE WHOLE MONTH!!!  
  
Zel: Yeah…nice…  
  
Zel gets caught up in his book again.  
  
Amelia: Maybe you shouldn't boss them around…you should LEAD THEM ON THE ROAD TO JUSTICE!!! *weird echoey effect takes place*  
  
Xelloss: *twitches* Yeah…whatever you say…anyway, I had to accomplish 134,000 tasks to achieve this rank!!! Only 136,000 more until I am the MAZOKU OF THE YEAR!!!!  
  
Lina: I'm thrilled for you…  
  
Zel: Why the hell would WE care?  
  
Gourry: Lina…?  
  
Lina: WHAT?!  
  
Gourry: Why does Luna have bigger breasts than you do…?  
  
Lina: Grrrrr…SHUT THE HELL UP OR I WILL KNOCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Gourry: Okay, okay…geez  
  
All of a sudden, Shabranigdo appears. He leans down towards Xelloss.  
  
Shabranigdo: Congratulations! You have completed your 134,001th task!  
  
Amelia: What would that be Mr. Shabranigdo? *a waveryness is detected in her voice*  
  
Shabranigdo: He has irritated the hell out of you, didn't he?  
  
Zel: That much is true.  
  
Xelloss: YAY! ANOTHER TASK COMPLETED!!!  
  
Sylphiel doesn't pay any mind to Shabranigdo or the conversation. She is thinking about what Kopii Rezo did to Sairaag. Just then Rezo and Kopii Rezo appear.  
  
Rezo: Are you sure they're here?  
  
Kopii: Positive! They're right there!  
  
Rezo walks up to Xelloss.  
  
Rezo: I heard about your promotion…  
  
Xelloss: YAY!!! I'M FAMOUS NOW!!!  
  
Filia: Shut up, you Namagomi!!  
  
Filia beats Xelloss with the help of her beloved sidekick, Mace-sama!  
  
Xelloss: Anywaysh…I am…  
  
A large 3-D sign that says Mazoku of the Month appears.  
  
Xelloss: MAZOKU OF THE MONTH!!!! *makes a classic Amelia pose*  
  
Amelia: Hey, Mr. Xelloss! That's MY pose!!! Why did you steal my pose?  
  
Xelloss: *shrugs* Sore wa Himitsu Desu?  
  
Amelia: Figures…  
  
Zel: Xelloss, WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT THE MAZOKU OF THE MONTH CRAP?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Lina: Whoa…  
  
Gourry: Talk about a bad day…  
  
Shabranigdo: …Uhhh…leaving…?  
  
With that, Shabranigdo leaves. Gourry steals Lina's chicken.  
  
Lina: ! HEY! NO FAIR!!! THAT'S MY CHICKEN!!!  
  
Lina casts the famous Dragon Slave on Gourry, leaving a pile of ashes.  
  
Lina: Whoops…  
  
Zel: Lina…!  
  
Lina: !!! THE SWORD OF LIGHT IS FINALLY MINE!!! GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!  
  
Sylphiel wakes up, realizing she cried herself to sleep, leaving the food to burn…she notices the pile of Gourry.  
  
Sylphiel: Miss Lina…?! Did you do this to dear Gourry?  
  
Lina: *points to Zel*  
  
Zel: It wasn't me, it was definitely Lina.  
  
Sylphiel pounces on Lina, throwing punches at her. Xelloss gets beaten by Mace-sama again. Zel reads into the book again. The author has now decided to give his brain away to charity…thus ends this fanfic. 


	2. 1001 Uses for Being Mazoku of the Month!...

1001 Uses for Being Mazoku of the Month!!!!  
  
After the beating Sylphiel gave to Lina, she resumes cooking. Lina, bruised and mangled (imagine that) walks up to the table, stepping in Gourry. Sylphiel beats her again for "cruelty to Gourry."  
  
Sylphiel: DON'T YOU DARE DO ANYTHING MEAN TO GOURRY-DEAR!!!  
  
Lina: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!!!! STOP IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!!  
  
Thus ends the beating…  
  
Zel: Whoa…I never knew Sylphiel was that strong…  
  
Sylphiel: Oh, I've always been this strong. I've been training to defend Gourry-dear…  
  
Zel: That would explain it…  
  
Amelia: Miss Lina, you really are evil! Blowing up Mr. Gourry like that!!! I mean…  
  
Amelia's endless justice speech begins…  
  
Xelloss: Well, I'm off to annoy, rankle, piss off, and annoy the hell out of people! Good bye!!!  
  
Xelloss leaves, leaving a brawling Sylphiel and Lina, Zelgadis still reading his book, and Amelia stating the horrible justice speech of evil. Xelloss comes across a town called Saillune (guess what he's going to do…). He then starts playing tricks on people and disappearing before they see him.  
  
Xelloss: I never knew how much fun a crowd of people could be! Now to San Doria…home to the many warriors of justice!  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
Lina: SYLPHIEL, GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!!!!!  
  
Sylphiel: ABSOLUTELY NOT, MISS LINA!! YOU KILLED DEAR GOURRY!!!! YOU WILL DIE!!!!  
  
Lina kicks Sylphiel in the gut to get her off. Sylphiel finally gives up, but refuses to make Lina any more food. Zel finds his cure in the book, but it requires him to dance the Macarena inside a strip bar for 3 ½ years…(okay, so it's not really the cure, but it has to keep the reader's interest!).  
  
Zel: Oh, L-sama…  
  
Lina: What is it, Zel?  
  
Zel: Take a look…  
  
Zel shows her a page that says:  
  
Are you a Chimera?  
  
Did you used to be a human?  
  
Are you willing to become  
  
human again?  
  
Then dance the Macarena  
  
in a strip bar for  
  
3 ½ years!!!  
  
Guaranteed to make  
  
those horrible blemishes  
  
go away!!!  
  
Remember, you MUST NOT REST  
  
or the cure will not work!!!  
  
Author: Xelloss Metallium  
  
Lina: …So? It was written by Xelloss…how do you know it's true or not?  
  
Zel: Well, Xelloss does know a lot, and this probably IS the real cure. Think about it…he knows I wouldn't like to do this. He wanted us to think that it was just some cruel hoax. But we saw past it…TO THE STRIP BAR!!!  
  
Amelia: You make it sound like it's some important journey…  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
Xelloss arrives in San Doria. He then looks around for any warriors of justice. He tells them he is…  
  
Xelloss: The Mazoku of the MONTH!!!  
  
The 3-D letters appear again. The warriors of justice give him a weird look and arrest him.  
  
3 ½ years later…  
  
Zel: (yawns) Hey! Macarena!!  
  
With that, Zelgadis faints.  
  
Zel: 3 ½ years…completed…  
  
Zel then looks at himself. His eyes sparkle with amazement.  
  
Zel: I'm cured…! I'm cured! I'M CURED!!!!! HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey, Lina! Lina?  
  
Lina, Sylphiel, and Kopii Gourry all sit down for dinner in a restaurant.  
  
Lina: So, Kopii Gourry, what do you think of my breasts now?  
  
Lina's breasts did, in fact, grow. They were twice the size of Luna's (just TRY to imagine that (HAH! Show insertion!) ).  
  
Sylphiel: You're right, Miss Lina, they are bigger than I remember…  
  
Lina: Yeah, well…  
  
Kopii Gourry: Hey, Lina! Why ARE they so big now?!  
  
Lina: Well…it cost $1800…  
  
Sylphiel: You mean…?  
  
Lina: That's right! BREAST IMPLANTS!!!  
  
Kopii Gourry: It figures…  
  
Meanwhile, in San Doria…  
  
Xelloss: My time is up…my leadershiphood is over…FOR 3 ½ YEARS!!!!!  
  
Xelloss then goes into a "crying" fit.  
  
Xelloss: WHY?! WHY?!?! WHHYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!!  
  
Guard: HEY! Shut up in there, willya?  
  
Xelloss: I can't even…(light bulb) wait…I CAN break out!  
  
He breaks out effortlessly…  
  
Xelloss: I'M FREE!!!! Just 12,000 more taskies to go! Annoying those guards gets old fast!  
  
What WILL Xelloss do next? How quickly will he earn the Mazoku of the Year Award?! Sore wa himitsu desu! 


	3. The Near-Death Experience...Xelloss is s...

The Mazoku of the Year  
  
Xelloss goes to Sairaag, where many villagers were still rebuilding after the Kopii Rezo incident. He realizes this is a perfect place to complete his tasks.  
  
Xelloss: Oh, what a perfect place to complete my tasks!!! ^_^  
  
He then goes into the city, annoying people as he went. He met Lina there, who (with her new $1800 bust line) wondered how he knew what his tasks were without consulting with Zelas.  
  
Lina: Hold it right there!  
  
Xelloss: (stops and looks at Lina) Yeah?  
  
Lina: It's been bothering me for a while, so…HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR "TASKS" ARE WITHOUT ASKING ZELAS?!  
  
Xelloss: Sore wa Himitsu Desu!!!!  
  
Lina, not surprised, notices a clipboard underneath his armpit. Xelloss stares at her and wonders what she's doing.  
  
Lina: I get it, now. You have a list of all your little tasks on that clipboard, don't you?  
  
Xelloss: ((Crap, she found me out! Oh well…)) Y-Yeah….so?  
  
Lina: So that's how you managed to know what to do next…  
  
Zelgadis runs up to Lina, followed by Kopii Gourry, Amelia, and Sylphiel. Zelgadis, admiring his new looks, holds a mirror up to fix his hair. Kopii Gourry acts just as stupid as the original. Amelia is excessively happy, as usual…  
  
Zel: Hey, Li…WHOA!!! Lina, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!  
  
Lina: Is it THAT unusual that my chest is larger?  
  
Zel, Amelia, and Kopii Gourry all nod. Lina gives them a look of rage as she caresses her newfound hooters.  
  
Zel: Honestly, Lina, it's not like they're going to rot off and turn into dust…  
  
Kopii Gourry: I must admit, it IS kind of unsettling that she got so large in such a short time…  
  
Xelloss: Umm…  
  
Xelloss pokes Zelgadis in the back of the head.  
  
Xelloss: Only 103 more until I earn MAZOKU OF THE YEAR!!!!  
  
The big 3-D letters of doom pop up.  
  
Zel: …Yeah…nice, now get the hell outta here…  
  
Lina: Yeah, really! You're upsetting them…  
  
Lina caresses her abnormally large bust size again.  
  
Amelia: Although….uhh…I'm stumped.  
  
Xelloss: Ummm…I'll just be off…  
  
POOF! Phibrizzo appears in front of Xelloss. Phibrizzo holds up a golden ball with the name "Xelloss" on it. The inscription has a heart around it…  
  
Phibrizzo: Xelloss…I love you…  
  
Xelloss: Wha….?! O.o() ?!  
  
Phibrizzo casts a protection spell on the little golden ball.  
  
Phibrizzo: Xelloss…you are hot and sexy…  
  
Lina: Come to think of it…Xelloss IS kinda sexy…  
  
Xelloss: Wh…huh?!?  
  
Amelia: I see, now. Mr. Xelloss IS attractive. Why did I never see that?  
  
Xelloss: Umm…well, uhh…  
  
Lina, Amelia, and Phibrizzo all chase after Xelloss.  
  
Xelloss: GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! Wait a minute…  
  
Xelloss checks his clipboard… "Disappoint those who expect something from you."  
  
Xelloss: I got it!  
  
With that, Xelloss disappears. Considering 3 people were disappointed…100 left to go!!! Xelloss then finds Filia, for the next task says "Torture a Ryuzoku." It repeats 50 times…how lucky is that?! So torture a Ryuzoku he does.  
  
Filia: Wh-wh-what are YOU doing here?!?!  
  
Xelloss: Kiss me, just once…  
  
Xelloss then "puckers his lips"…causing Filia to run away screaming with agony. Xelloss then trips her several times, pulls out her hair, and hits her with various rocks. 34 trips, 7 rocks, 2 handfuls of rocks, and 7 death threats later…Xelloss is ready for the last 50. It says 20 times to annoy humans…simple enough…  
  
Xelloss: I can't believe it…50 left…then I am…MAZOKU OF THE YEAR!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
Kopii Gourry: Lina, where are we going?  
  
Lina: Sairaag, you idiot. If Xelloss is anywhere…it's there…  
  
Zel: And how are you so certain he's there…?  
  
Lina: Think about it…there's a lot of people there, and carpenters are angered easily…  
  
Kopii Gourry: How do you know that?!  
  
Lina: My sister dated one once…  
  
Zel: And how do you know THAT?!  
  
Lina: Constant complaining tells you a lot about people.  
  
Amelia: So, what if Mr. Xelloss isn't there, Miss Lina?  
  
Lina: I'll find him and end this "Mazoku of the Year" shit…  
  
Amelia: Ohhhh…  
  
Zel: So…how do you plan to do it? He's only going to make you angry…  
  
Lina: You seem to forget I have a holy crossbow…or something…  
  
Kopii Gourry: But, didn't you break the thing because you hated it? And the Sword of Light won't respond to you…  
  
Zel: I'm not blasting him…I won't be able to concentrate…  
  
Amelia: Killing the innocent is not my style, Miss Lina…  
  
Lina: Damn…no one wants to fight him…although he did help Zel with his cure…  
  
Poof, Xelloss appears in front of them, tripping Lina as he arrived.  
  
Xelloss: There…that makes 20! Now…it says…annoy a Ryuzoku again 30 times…wait…30 times I can…BECOME MAZOKU OF THE—  
  
Xelloss is interrupted by Zel's fist.  
  
Zel: Xelloss, I think we've heard enough…  
  
But it was too late, Xelloss already went after Filia.  
  
Lina: Is there any way to stop him?  
  
Amelia: Not that I know of, Miss Lina.  
  
Amelia clings to Zel for moral support. Zel then tells Amelia to…  
  
Zel: Get off…  
  
And so, this chapter ends…sweet as it began…must not be very damn sweet then, eh? 


	4. A New Goal...Mazoku of the Millenia... *...

The Mazoku of the Year…  
  
Xelloss appears a few feet behind Filia…but she was fully armed with Mace-sama, ready to strike. Xelloss chucks a rock at her.  
  
Xelloss: Heheheheh…  
  
Filia: OW! NAMAGOMI!!!!!  
  
Filia runs at Xelloss, ready to swing Mace-sama when Xelloss dodges the blow, saving his brain from damage that has never been inflicted. Xelloss, from behind, pulls out a lock of her hair.  
  
Filia: Grrrr…DAMNED NAMAGOMI!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Xelloss then smiles from the "compliment."  
  
Xelloss: Filia, I never thought you cared…  
  
Filia: !#% YOU!!!!!!  
  
Filia runs blindly after Xelloss, swinging Mace-sama back and forth.  
  
Xelloss: 28…29…30!!! I DID IT!!!!!!  
  
Hellmaster Zelas/Phibrizzo/Zorom all greet Xelloss and congratulate him on his promotion.  
  
Zelas: You did it, Xelloss…you are now the MAZOKU OF THE—  
  
Zel suddenly appears out of nowhere, bashes Zelas's head in, the disappears into animation oblivion.  
  
Phibrizzo: …year…only 10,000,000 left until you are…MAZOKU OF THE MILLENNIA!!!!  
  
Xelloss squeals with delight.  
  
Xelloss: REALLY?!  
  
Xelloss parades around Filia, kicking her and punching her as he danced.  
  
Filia: Xelloss-san….*grits her teeth*  
  
Xelloss goes to find Zel, Lina, etc…  
  
Upon arrival, Zel notices Xelloss is a little too happy for comfort…  
  
Zel: What happened, now, Xelloss…?  
  
Xelloss: I AM MA—  
  
Lina: Yeah, yeah…we get it…wait, FOR THE YEAR?! YOU ARE HELLMASTER FOR A YEAR????!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Xelloss: Yup!  
  
Zel: Oh, brother…  
  
Xelloss: Only 10,000,000 until I am MAZOKU OF THE MILLENIA!!!!  
  
Lina: WHAT?!  
  
Zel: You can't be serious…  
  
Kopii Gourry: What's a millennia…?  
  
Amelia: A millennia is 1000 years, Mr. Kopii Gourry.  
  
Kopii Gourry: Oh…  
  
All of a sudden, Martina appears.  
  
Martina: OBEY ZOAMELGUSTAR!!!!!!!  
  
Lina: Martina, shut up…  
  
With that, Lina throws Martina so far, she could've kissed the moon before she even left. (think about that for a second…)  
  
Martina: *distant* ZOAMELGUSTAR WILL HAVE HIS VENGEAAANNNCCEE!!!!!  
  
Lina: I'm sure…  
  
Lina huggles her breasts to make sure they're still there…Zel starts to feel a little bit heavier…he whips out his mirror and sure enough…the rocks and rock-like skin were returning.  
  
Zel: NNNOOOOO!!!!!  
  
He slams Xelloss into a wall…  
  
Zel: WHY THE !$^&$ DIDN'T MY CURE LAST?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Xelloss: I never said it was permanent…at that matter I never DID say anything about it! ^_^  
  
Zel then beats Xelloss around with Lina.  
  
Lina: Ow..HEY!! I HAVE DELICATE LUGGAGE HERE!!!  
  
Zel: Shut up!  
  
Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis…stop beating on Mr. Xelloss like that…you never did ask him about the cure anyway, so it's not his fault!  
  
Zel: Oh, alright…  
  
Zel reluctantly stops beating on Xelloss. Xelloss then looks at his clipboard.  
  
Xelloss: Hmm…let's see…  
  
Lina: Lemme see that! *nabs his clipboard* "Make fun of Lina's size?!" HA! Can't do THAT anymore, eh?  
  
Xelloss: Oh, yes I can! How can you even WALK with those?!  
  
Lina: STOP! They're crying…  
  
Xelloss: They're so BIG and FAT and FAKE!!!!!!!  
  
Lina: *gets teary eyed* (try to think about that…) You…you hurt they're feelings…  
  
Lina then runs away crying. (try that as well…) Amelia tells Xelloss that it is unjust to make fun of people. Thus, another endless speech starts…  
  
Xelloss: Uhhh…  
  
Zel: You're in for it, now…  
  
All of a sudden, a wall of a building collapses.  
  
Kopii Gourry: …What the…?  
  
Zel: Gourry! I thought you left…  
  
Kopii Gourry: Ah, no! Listening to intelligent conversations exercises the brain's muscle fibers enabling them to translate and enunciate the words that come out of peoples' mouths.  
  
Zel: ……Gourry? Is that you?  
  
Kopii Gourry: Where's Lina? She still has the Sword of……what was it called again?  
  
Zel: Well, the old Gourry's back…  
  
As Zel, Gourry, Amelia, and Xelloss converse about pointless stuff, Lina cries herself to sleep in an inn…then it occurs to her…  
  
Lina: Wait a minute…this is unlike me…I'M GONNA KILL XELLOSS!!! I'LL KNOCK HIM SO DAMN GOOD, HE WON'T KNOW WHAT LIFE IS!!!!  
  
As this chapter ends…Lina searches for Xelloss, waiting for the chance to bash his brains in. The rest all converse about…pointless crap. Chapter 5 coming soon…be warned…HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! 


End file.
